exclamations of the irate
by smartalker
Summary: In which Asch keeps a diary. Between pining over Natalia, key-smashing over Luke, and moping over the injustice of it all, he might actually manage to get something done. Also, Guy may or may not be trying to kill him. — AschNatalia, GuyNatalia
1. visions of violence

**Exclamations of the Irate**

Entry One:

Joined up with Natalia's group today. Luke was a moron, as usual. Tch, what's with all the, "But I don't know how this works oh no, Natalia, please talk to me for THREE HOURS SO THAT MY PITIFUL BRAIN MIGHT UNDERSTAND" crap?

I may or may not have poisoned his food.

But Natalia was cooking anyways, so it didn't make much of a difference.

* * *

Entry Two:

Natalia threw herself off a cliff today. Or she tripped. Either way, I still had to grab her hand and pull her back. Honestly, that girl. Is it _so_ difficult to watch where she walks? Is it really necessary to _throw_ herself into danger at every possible opportunity?

I told her as such. She looked rather hurt, and Anise and Tear were both staring at me like they wanted to rip my head off. So was Guy. But he always looks at me like that. (Seriously, what's his problem?)

I guess I was too--mean, or something, since she ended up snapping, "I'm sorry Asch, but if it really troubles you so much, perhaps it would just be better for you to let me fall," and then stormed off in a huff and wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the day. Tear is shooting me pointed looks. Anise is not-very-subtly attempting to push me off high areas so I might better appreciate the role reversal. I thought Guy didn't really care, since he was spending all of his time hovering around his princess and cheerfully doing _whatever she asked_ and basically going out and buying her a pony.

Except that, at one point, when I approached the campfire, he turned around very slowly and drew his finger across his throat, giving me a very nasty look.

…_What_.

* * *

Entry Three:

Anise finally succeeded in pushing me off a cliff today. I don't know _how_, exactly, since she was ten feet behind me, but I KNOW IT WAS HER.

Naturally, as I was falling, I grabbed onto the thing nearest me. Which was Guy. He whipped around and dove for me, crying, "Prin—" and then, realizing who I was, got a slightly demented look in his eye and tried to push me off.

I clung. And called him a damn moron, and he called me, (ME) a stupid ass, and then Natalia tried to help pull us back up, but really only succeeded in toppling us all over.

They ended up both landing on me. I feel that I was distinctly better off when I was traveling alone. At least monsters don't know the meaning of emotional blackmail.

Anyway, when I came to, Natalia looked slightly abashed, Guy looked slightly comatose, and I apparently looked slightly dead. She kept on apologizing to the both of us, but Guy had apparently been overloaded with the stress of full-body contact and had not yet been able to do anything but quiver. _Pathetic_. (Wasted opportunity.)

I don't think I've ever seen Jade smirk so hard. And I did not appreciate his little, "Well, it's a shame Asch couldn't have been in the middle, isn't it?"

Which was apparently enough to revive Guy, as he tried to comfort the now beyond-flustered Natalia. It seemed to work, since she got very imperious and ordered hot chocolate.

_I_ can make hot chocolate.

I think I might need to break off on my own again.

* * *

Entry 4:

Took extreme offense to every minor detail of Luke's being and left the party in a huff.

I wouldn't have minded if—

I miss—

I should have brought along a healer. I guess I'll just have to be more careful from now on.


	2. place your bets

Entry 5:

WHAT IS THIS CRAP WHY IS HE STILL TALLER THAN ME DAMMIT HORMONES WHY HAVE YOU FAILED ME—_WHY_?!

* * *

Entry 6:

I sort of, possibly got my arm cut half way off. Purely coincidental. So I, you know, I needed a healer. Except I keep forgetting that the universe really, really doesn't like me. I go looking for Natalia, I end up with Guy.

He had been calling something cheerfully over his shoulder, but he cut off when he saw me. "Oh, you."

I asked him where Natalia was. He got a little squinty. He told me that if I'd come to pick a fight with Luke, I could just clear off. Seriously. What the hell.

I asked him where Natalia was again, and that I was in need of a healer. He assessed my wound and yelled, "Hey, Natalia, Asch has a scratch he wants you to heal."

"It isn't a scratch, you ass, it's—"

Except that Natalia came rushing through the bushes at this point and so I had to cut off. Because, you know. She'd probably kill me for defiling her ears, or something.

She got very loud and very fussy at the point, and kept on zipping about and mumbling things under her breath and pressing cold, healing hands to my shoulder.

"My, you certainly haven't forgotten how to find trouble," she kept scolding, and I just sort of sat there, being injured and all.

And then the stupid dreck showed up, and took one look at me and went, "Asch? What's happened? Are you alright?"

No, the bloodstained robes are all for effect, really.

And Guy reassured him, (I think he sounded a bit sarcastic,) "Oh, don't worry, Luke. He just has a little scratch, that's all."

"Guy!" Natalia leapt to her feet (and my defense, yeah, sometimes I wonder who's the man here too) "Asch is gravely injured, and as a proficient healer, I—"

Guy was subtly shrinking from her as this was happening. Natalia has this habit of bearing down on people while she yells at them.

It made me a little bit happy.

"Natalia, this is only a flesh wound," Tear said lowly, which SCARED THE CRAP OUTTA ME, since she is apparently a ninja in her time off, and likes to sneak up on people like that.

"Why I—Tear, I really must protest your abrupt analysis—" Natalia sort or sputtered, and Tear just sort of looked at her for a moment, before she glanced at Guy, and then at me.

"No," she said quite firmly. And gave my shoulder a sharp little slap.

I almost threw up. From behind Natalia's back, Guy flashed her the thumbs up.

_WHAT._


	3. conspiracy theories

Entry 7:

It's official. I have no allies. Not that I need any, but I—

They don't have to _glare_ at me like that. Or deny me food. Jade did, in case you were wondering. Actually, it was Anise. But I think Jade bought her off.

She is a crafty, evil little demon spawn, and I blame everything on her. She threw herself into my lap just as Natalia came back to the camp. Natalia turned this lovely shade of—purple, I guess, and really, _how is any of this my fault_?!

"Oh, Asch!" she squealed, (when did her voice get so high and giggly?) "Of course I'll become your duchess! Silly! All you had to do was ask!"

Several trees near Natalia promptly incinerated.

The dreck and Tear both looked like they were about to keel over dead. I'm pretty sure the hysterically moron rolling around on the ground was Guy. It couldn't have been anyone else. Jade, of course, was no where to be found.

Ass was probably hiding in the bushes.

Natalia isn't speaking to me. Jade and Guy exchanged devious smiles. I'm pretty sure Anise has somehow acquired new shoes. Tear and the dreck are both looking at me like I'm a creepy pedophile.

I WOULD JUST LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT TECHNICALLY I AM ONLY LIKE FOUR YEARS OLDER AND SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL AS IF I WOULD EVER—

Well. Whatever. I'll have to be more careful from now, I mean, I think they're starting to suspect that I—me and Natalia—I mean, it's, that is to say—

_Completely preposterous._

* * *

Entry 8:

LUKE'S STUPID PET TRIED TO EAT ME.

SCRATCH THAT. IT'S TRYING TO KILL US ALL.

No, no, I'm not even kidding. And yet no one believes me. Not even Natalia! I tried telling her, and she just looked at me in total and sheer revulsion and went, "Asch, don't bully poor little Mieu!"

I gaped at her. I know this because Jade patted my head after she flounced away and went, "There, there. Time shall ease this heartache." And then he looked over his spectacles and said gravely, "How _could_ you vilify our sweet, _sweet_ emergency food rations?"

"Oh no!" Mieu said innocently, "I'm sorry, colonel, did I breath fire on you by accident?"

There was a very strange moment when the two of them exchanged deep, meaningful looks, before Jade swept away, chuckling. Mieu watched him go. I swear there was a demonic glint in his eyes.

* * *

Entry 9:

Natalia is still insisting I am the scum of the earth.

On another note, the dreck told Mieu, "Go heat up some water for a bath, thing!" to which Mieu gave an enthusiastic affirmative, and beamed until the dreck walked away to salivate over Tear.

And then Mieu muttered, "Frigging ass. I hope you drown in your stupid bath!"

I—

I am not letting Natalia alone with that thing. She is entirely too trusting. And she likes to cuddle it, and it is male, and that is just Not Okay.

I _know_ what it's doing. I KNOW.

* * *

Entry 10:

Guy has made a point of mocking my "paranoia" in front of Natalia at every possibly opportunity.

IT ISN'T PARANOIA YOU IMBECILE, IT'S _VIGILANCE_.

Natalia usually responds by getting very, very close to him and whispering things in his ear. It's very satisfying when he leaps to his feet and his dinner gets all over my hair.

I think he did that on purpose. Mentioned this to Jade. He went, "So are you finally catching on? Well, well, Asch, I'm surprised. What a good little original you are. Have a cookie."

_I hate him._


	4. questionable sexuality

Entry 11:

I AM NOT GAY.

I—THIS IS ALL GUY'S FALUT. ALL OF IT.

Also, do not believe a word Natalia says as she is clearly suffering from dementia or turrets or-or-or I don't even know, a severe case of Girl.

I would just like to make something clear. My aggression towards certain individuals is not due to UST. It is due to my inability to smash their head in with a rock, as certain princess generally frown on such things. Not that I haven't tried. Except Tear caught me and saved the stupid dreck before any satisfying damage was done. And now I think she hates me.

Or maybe she's just situationally deaf, but my pleas for help mid-battle were pretty loud. And she was only like five feet away. And she might have smirked in my general direction.

Women are terrifying.

I have to go meet with Guy now. To discuss how we're going to prove our innocence.

* * *

Entry 12:

GOD DAMMIT.

WHY IS HE SO DUMB? FREAKING HELL.

I think the blonds of this world are out to get me. Largetta keeps on accidentally shooting me in the foot. Guy makes a point of attempting to ruin my life at every possible opportunity, (we will discuss this shortly) Peony tried to seduce me just so he could later laugh about it, and Natalia—

Well. I think she _tries_ to be nice. It's just that she somehow ends up being more trouble than all the others put together.

As I was saying. About proving my innocence and straightness and absolute and total availability. I mean. I mean, wait, that came out wrong. What I meant to say was that I'm single. And shall always be single. Because relationships are for the weak. And pitiful. And Guy.

Not that he'll even be in a relationship. I mean, I—he just shouldn't be. He might reproduce. And he certainly isn't allowed to be in a relationship with—

I DON'T CARE WHAT HE SAYS, HE ISN'T BI. I KNOW HE ISN'T. EVERYONE KNOWS HE ISN'T. Except Natalia and Luke. Even _Mieu_ called him on it. At least, I think he did. His voice is very squeaky, so it's kind of hard to tell.

So now, Natalia thinks I'm gay. She thinks this because Guy (crushkillmaimcrushkillmaim) freaking implied that we were—were. Involved. WHICH WE AREN'T.

Unfortunately I was too busy hyperventilating to straighten this all out. It was bewildering. I had absolutely no idea why he would tell her this. Until Natalia got this thoughtful look on her face and went, "Well, that certainly clears up your gynophobia problem, Guy."

And then she beamed at him. Like she was happy for him.

In the background, the stupid dreck was looking sufficiently creeped out, and kept muttering things like, "He gave me _baths_, now he's gay?"

To his credit, Guy only stared at Natalia in total despair for like half a second, before choking out an obviously rehearsed, "No, actually, I like both. Asch here's the one way door."

So then I had to try to kill him. Obviously, I failed, but only because I was—blinded by rage. Not because Guy is freakishly hard to catch and probably injects his legs with steroids.

Yeah, well, we'll see if he's so fast tonight.

…That came out wrong again. I was implying that I was going to _stab him in his sleep_, not that—I—OH, SHUT UP.

* * *

Entry 13:

I HAVE BEEN _DEFILED_.

I—AUGH! WHY DO I KEEP TRAVELING WITH THESE PEOPLE?! I'M _LEAVING_!

…Jade ambushed me while I was washing up. And sidled in. And I, foolishly, foolishly thinking him an ally, continued scrubbing, until he said quite loftily, "So, Asch, I hear you like men."

And then he put a hand. On my ass.

And then I fell in the stream.

When I popped back up, intent on strangling him, Jade was sniggering in a very self-congratulatory manner, and Anise was scurrying out of the bushes, cackling, "Good one, Colonel!" and then she took one look at me and said, "Wow, Asch, getting a little pudgy around the hips are you?"

She and Jade leered evilly. Which is ridiculous. I don't have _pudge_, I am made of _muscle_.

I told them as such and then gracefully took my leave.

Except then I got lost.

For three hours. And then Guy found me, which is just Lorelei being an asshole again. He sort of sneered at me, and went, "Hey, lover boy."

I tried killing him again. This time with a branch. It didn't work. Guy skipped off, and then I was all alone in the forest again.

Eventually, Luke found me. And just sort of stared at me, and then blurted out, "If the original is gay, does that mean the replica will be too?"

Luke is much easier to catch than Guy is. Except hitting him over the head with things usually results with him just sort of blinking, and then shaking it off.

* * *

Entry 14:

I told Natalia I wasn't gay. And not involved with Guy. And that I would appreciate it if she would order him beheaded.

She just patted my arm, got a bit misty eyed and said, with quavering bravery, "Now, Asch, I must admit that I am a bit…disappointed. However, I shall continue to support your relationships, even if they are with—with Guy. Your happiness is one of the most important things for me. " And then she sniffed.

I did what most men do in the presence of a crying woman, and basically turned to stone. Natalia continued to sniffle. I was just working up the nerve to say something comforting, when Guy sort of materialized, held his breath, and sort of patted her shoulder. Very gingerly. Looking sort of green while he did so.

Natalia turned around, said, "Oh, _Guy_," in a very strange tone of voice, and launched herself at him. Guy managed to maintain consciousness for just long enough to say, "We're not involved, Princess. Don't worry."

But he did put his arms around her. And look pleased. Underneath the terror and the nausea. Also, he touched her hair. I _know_ he did.

So. I'm _on_ to him.

…Why does nothing come out the way I _intend_ it to, anymore?


	5. vertical difficulties

**Entry 15**:

I have made a most horrible discovery. Heels are a terrible, malicious, vicious invention. Why? _WHY_?

Because when she wears them, Natalia ends up being taller than me.

And that is just not cool.

As if my life had to get any worse, now I'm stupidly short. I bet it's Luke's fault. I bet be stole my height energy. _Damn_ it.

* * *

**Entry 16**:

PEOPLE OF SMALL STATURE DO NOT NECESSARILY HAVE SMALL—WELL. NOT _ALL_ OF US CAN BE FREAKING MAMMOTHS.

* * *

**Entry 17**:

WHAT THE HELL, HOW IS MY SWORD COMPENSATION? I'LL SHOW _YOU_ COMPENSATION, YOU—

Why does everything on the freaking planet have a double meaning. Just. _Why_.

* * *

**Entry 18**:

Today I talked with Natalia. About big and important things. Like politics and genetics and abominations of this fair world, (Guy and Luke, and although she did not agree with me, I know she was just being polite) and while this was going on, I sort of—

MMMMMMM…

* * *

**Entry 19**:

Yeah, that's right, I held her hand. And it might have been just to help her up that cliff at first, but. But.

Oh, yeah.

I won.

* * *

**Entry 20**:

MONSTER RAID MY ASS, HOW IS HAVING MIEU BREATH FIRE ON ME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AN APPROPRIATE RESPONSE, HUH?

Oh, Guy. If only you were still my servant. Maybe I could order you to put yourself through a meat grinder, or—

No, wait. He's just being a sore loser. Obviously. Because, you know, _I won_.

Ha-de-freaking-ha.

* * *

**Entry 21**:

Much as I lo—

God damn it.

* * *

**Entry 22**:

Dear Natalia,

Sorry about running off in the middle of the night, but my joining your party was sort of—not really supposed to happen, and I—have things to do.

I hope you'll—

* * *

**Entry 23**:

Dear Natalia,

You know that I love you more than anything else in the world, don't you? You know that I'd—

You know that I'm dying for you, don't you—

* * *

**Entry 24**:

Dear Natalia,

I have to take care of some things now. I trust you will convey the news to everyone.

Make sure you work on your defensive stance. Have Tear show you how to do it properly.

—Asch

P.S. You could never be anything less than a princess.

* * *

**Entry 25**:

Guy,

If you start courting Natalia after I'm dead, I am going to be so pissed off.

—Asch

_(fin)_


End file.
